Woman Thou Art Loosed…Almost

I have a wild rebellious streak and a need for conformity that are wound together like hair in a braid.

I have religiously washed the wound, covered it in Neosporin, and dressed it just as I was instructed. Twice a day every day.

But it’s my rebellious side that caused me, at the very moment that the stitches were sewn into my rear-end, to have an inexplicable urge to ride bicycles and run marathons- two things I haven’t done in a looooooooooong while. Two things I was told told NOT to do, and generally two things that I don’t give much thought to…unless instructed otherwise.

Then it’s all I can think about, and I pout and complain about how nice it would be to be able to take a bike ride around Franklin, but noooooooooooo I can’t because I have stitches, and now I have to wait 12 whole days to go bike riding. And I really miss the bike riding; it’s been two…years since my last ride which subsequently almost ended with AC and I being eaten by an alligator in the dark in a swamp in South Carolina.

You can see why I miss it.

And, I actually became so nostalgic over running that I was coerced in a matter of about 11 seconds OVER E-MAIL to run a half marathon…in Memphis…in December. And I was feeling so rebellious that not only did I commit by registering and paying my $55 registration fee…I was feeling just crazy enough to request a t-shirt a size smaller than normal, because I figure, if I’m feeling ambitious, I might as well throw an unrealistic weight-loss goal in there too.

You would think I would have learned my lesson the first time.

Anyway, I went to have the stitches removed today, and I was all pumped about all the running and bike riding I was going to do today when I made it home.

They removed all but two of the stitches. Turns out the “chewed up part” is still pretty chewed up.

So now I’m down to two stitches and some steri-strips. I asked if I could bike ride, run, and walk. I mean, realistically, none of the three things were going to happen, but I thought I’d ask.

She made a funny face, said you can definitely walk, probably run, riding a bike is “iffy” that I should just “feel it out” and see how it goes.

And then she threw down the gauntlet…

She said…”Just whatever you do, don’t do any sort of weight bearing exercises, squats, or anything that requires a lot of bending over.”

So now, I’m sooooooo over wanting to bike ride and run, but have an uncontrollable urge to throw Jillian Michaels in the DVD player and squat myself silly.

And on a side note, or I guess you’d say, a rear note, the boy came home from his extreme camping trip and spent the better part of 15 minutes demonstrating the 6 different positions he was taught to poop in the woods…positions with names like “the tripod,” “the crab,” and “the Dukes of Hazard.”



Which then led to an explanation of how they were instructed to “army wipe” (I’ll spare you the details here, just suffice it to say that wiping with leaves was a much more acceptable alternative). And that little discussion ended with G telling me that he really prefers the Rhododendron leaf to any of the other leaves when it comes to natural toilet paper.

Information I have stored away for when Hell freezes over and I end up in an extreme camping situation.

Now, I really must go – Jillian is waiting for me; seems there are some squats to be done.

See y’all!

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2 Comments on Woman Thou Art Loosed…Almost

  1. Brittany Ann
    September 18, 2009 at 10:25 pm (8 years ago)

    LOL! I’m dying laughing! Army wipe, huh?

    Be careful with those squats, friend!

  2. Superwoman Quest
    September 19, 2009 at 4:53 pm (8 years ago)

    I think you may have just discovered the new excercise revolution for hard headed women everywhere. Just tell people NOT to do excercise and that will make them WANT to excercise. Brilliant!


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