Up To Our Waists In It…

Hey, have I ever told you about the time Coach and I sea kayaked through a Belizean rainforest?

Oh sure we did. We were on a cruise; people make silly decisions when they are on a cruise.

And remember how I told you Coach is not a small man? And remember how I reminded you that most men who hail from Central American are small men?

Let me just say, sometimes size does indeed matter. A. LOT.

The weight limit for a Belizean sea kayak was somewhere around 330 pounds- per kayak, not per person… You see where I’m going don’t you?

Here we are leaving the post where we started. I’m taking pictures and not paddling, a trend that continued for a bit until Coach got a little guiled…something about having to do all the work and this was vacation.

We were all instructed to paddle around this little area, make sure we knew how to navigate the kayak, blah, blah, blah. So we’re good; well, I’m good- Coach is still guiled

Here I am, still not paddling and still taking pictures. What you can’t see because my arms aren’t long enough is that we are sea kayaking in waist deep water because we exceeded the weight limit…as did many of the kayakers.

Notice please how tight the quarters were in this little rainforest.

Our guide told us to start watching for jaguars, crazy lizards that can run on the water, all manner of birds, and of course, snakes…in the water…the water that Coach and I were currently waist deep in.

I’m pretty sure the purpose of the kayak is to keep the kayakers ABOVE the water, but ours failed us bigger than I failed Mrs. McMillan’s Geometry tests

It was about here that I thought to ask the guide about pirahnas.

His response? A smile and a little giggle, and then he just started paddling again.

(Coach did tell me later…MUCH LATER… that pirahnas were in South America, NOT Central America and I needed to calm down. My response to him was, “It’s close enough, all it takes is some renegade pirahna to lead a bunch of idiot pirahnas upstream a bit and we’re lunch.” Coach, who is also a Biology and Anatomy teacher and self-proclaimed animal expert, generally does not enjoy when I joke about the habitats of jungle wildlife. He also does not enjoy it when I say things like “I don’t know why you get so upset when you lose, it’s JUST a game.” – but that’s a story for another day.)

Then I started to wonder what else could be in this God-forsaken water.

This is where the fun ended for me.

Until we were out in the open water, away from the overhanging foliage that I felt sure was teeming with snakes, lizards, and jaguars lying in wait. I felt a little better, and realized too, that if I positioned myself in some sort of upright fetal position closer to the front of the kayak, I could get myself out of the water. No such luck for Coach.

So, now I’m dry, my legs are shaking uncontrollably from trying to hold a ridiculously uncomfortable position, and I threw a cramp in my rear-end.


Little Guide Man just did his smile and giggle thing again- I decided at this point to pinch his head clean off his shoulders when we returned.

Then I looked over and saw a snake slithering on the water and I said, “Oh look, a little snake!”

Little Guide Man stopped smiling and giggling…told everyone in a very weird voice to start paddling now and we’d head back for lunch.

Well, I am no jungle idiot.

I knew he was trying not to scare us, and I also noticed that he was the first one paddling away with all of us behind him.

And there Coach and I sat. Me all cramped up, sweaty, and scared out of my wits, and Coach still waist deep in a river in the Belizean jungle.

I had a choice to make.

I could either remain in my upright fetal position and leave Coach to fend for himself against what apparently is some sort of Belizean death snake. Or, I could put my big girl britches on and get back in paddling position, pray for the best, and paddle my brains out to get away from the thing.

Being that it was our honeymoon, and we had only been married for four days at this point, I figured manning up was probably the way to go.

And there was a kayak with two women in their 50’s who were drunk and a little over the weight limit themselves, and they had already flipped their kayak once, run into the bank two or fifty times, and they cackled and wailed all the way through the trip.

I figured Coach and I could out paddle them, the Belizean death snake would feast on the two screaming biddies, and we’d be heroes.

Turns out, we did beat them through the jungle. They laughed and screamed the entire way. Coach laughed and I repeated “I will not cry in the jungle on my honeymoon” over and over until we made it back.

…to here. The wonderful swimming pool we spent the rest of the day at before returning to the ship. I have to be honest, I prefer my water chlorinated and in a man-made pool

And I prefer to view the wildlife like this…where sweet girls walk around with the creatures crawling around their shoulders so you can pet them. And then she looks at you and says, “Can I get you a beverage? Rum punch? Wine? Coca Cola?

Why yes…yes you can.

And I don’t mind encountering this type of wildlife either; I have to confess…I have no idea what it is,

but I know it’s not a snake, and that is all I need to know.

See y’all tomorrow!

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3 Comments on Up To Our Waists In It…

  1. Melissa
    July 1, 2009 at 6:18 am (9 years ago)

    Oh, just the thought that rain forest kayaking trip gave me the willies. I’m with you about the manning up on your honeymoon. Way to be, sista.

  2. Melissa
    July 1, 2009 at 6:20 am (9 years ago)

    LOVE IT! The kayaking trip totally gave me the willies.
    Way to man-up on your honeymoon, sista.

  3. Brittany Ann
    July 1, 2009 at 9:24 am (9 years ago)

    Truer words have not been spoken! This is exactly why I like my pools over lakes. Snakes! Ah!


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