Honesty…It’s Such a Lonely Word

A funny thing happened last night. I picked up an old book and started to read it again because I just loved it the first time. It might be Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin…or it could be Albert Camus’ masterpiece, The Plague. Sadly, you’ll never know. Or maybe you will when you read the rest of this post.

The first time I read it was for our neighborhood “book group.” And by book group, I mean a group of women who showed up with said copy of book and a deep desire to drink Mimosas and talk.

Anyway, I was newly divorced and all the girls were in full-on “Pick Her Up By Her Bootstraps” mode. I couldn’t have been more excited. Because all of these girls were talented in either fashion or socializing. Frankly, after being married for ten years and trying to raise two small children, fashion and socializing were really not anywhere on my agenda.

Thus the list.

We all decided, and by “we all” I mean everyone in the room but me, that it was time for an extreme makeover. I was 32 at the time, and absolutely convinced that I was far too old to EVER have a life that didn’t include Gymboree and Martha Stewart.

I have never been more wrong.

It started out innocently enough. One of the girls said, “you need to make a list of things you would normally NEVER do, and then you just need to do them. Don’t think about it – just get crazy and complete the list.”

I have a feeling that many a life has crumbled to ruins after a statement very similar to that one. Thankfully, I was somehow spared from massive injury or loss of life. I was not spared humiliation and minor injury.

And in one of my most genius moves ever, on the inside of my book, I transcribed a list of very “unTraci-like behaviors” devised by six women who had been loved well by a pitcher or six of Mimosas.

The List
1. Brazilian Wax – Yikes! “Go big or go home” they said. Actually they probably should have said “Go bald or go home.” All I’ll say is this – it took all six of us going together. We grabbed lunch together afterwards. I would have preferred not going big, but rather going home. So I did. And I may have cried just a little.

2. Buy an outfit from Bebe – I did it; I have no idea why they thought that channeling Eva Longoria would somehow restore me to my former self, but whatever. I did it, and wore it to dinner with one of the girls. While we were eating, a man asked me if I wanted to shoot pool with him. Tragedy.

3. Get a New Fitness Routine – the word “new” was superfluous as I had no fitness routine to speak of. Turns out, that was sage advice. My best friend gave me a chocolate lab puppy – so we took up running. I lost 22 pounds. And we met a nice personal injury attorney who loved both his convertible Mercedes and his expensive shoes. Curiously, he loved very little else. Score.

4. Micro-Dermabrasion – Okay, I have to confess that at the time I had a very unhealthy obsession with the size of my pores, and I thought I was seeing the beginning of a wrinkle. So, I used some alimony money to have my face sand-blasted. After three days of molting, my pores were indeed smaller, and an unfortunate wrinkle disaster was averted.

5. Music- Get an iPod – seriously, it says “get an iPod.” And the rules were that I could not load one Veggie Tales song on it, not even my favorites. And they put a quota on Amy Grant. And no Dora the Explorer either. Uggh. They were so hard to please.

6. New Cocktails – I can only assume that I was to learn to make new cocktails. One of the girls was married to old Savannah money. She is the most incredible hostess I’ve ever known. She suggested the cocktail tutorial, you know for when I landed the big time attorney or heart surgeon that they were sure I’d meet. I never really did this one. I did learn to open a bottle of wine on my own. Does that count?

7. High-heels – My mom is laughing right now. She has affectionately called me “Grace” my entire life. It’s an oxymoron. Remember, I have a Harry Potter scar on my rear-end from a rafting incident this summer. Heels might not be a prudent choice for me. But, again, I did it. Not only did I do it, but I did it along with the outfit from Bebe. (See #2). I’ll remind you, a man asked me if I wanted to shoot pool with him. Enough said.

I have to say, 7 years later it was much fun to find this old list and remember a surreal and somewhat humorous time in my life. And I have to appreciate that underneath it I had written the word Hoochie Mama.
I have no idea why I wrote that, maybe I thought the new neighbor was a hoochie mama. Maybe it was the first time I’d heard the term and it was a reminder to go home and google it. Or maybe, it was a fear that if I kept listening to the Mimosa gang I’d turn into one. Who really knows.

All I can say is this- it’s a good thing Coach came along when he did, or I’d be wearing white stretchy jeans and heels while playing pool with a dubiously dressed man in a little sports grille down the street.
See y’all!

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1 Comment on Honesty…It’s Such a Lonely Word

  1. Tiffany
    March 17, 2010 at 12:35 pm (8 years ago)

    I wish you’d add a “hysterical” button to check. Funny just doesn’t seem to get it!
    You always make me laugh!! Love it! : )

    Reply

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