Fire-Breathing Boys

We have wonderfully weird children. Seriously. They are weird. Maybe I’m biased; I don’t know. But, all in all – the kids are weird.

G is our Academy Award Winning child. He has quite the flair for the dramatic.

When he was about 6 he was riding his scooter up and down the sidewalk; not long into the ride, he had himself a mishap of sorts and ended up taking most of the top of his toe off.

As a toddler, he did this on a regular basis, and the child NEVER KNEW he’d done it. He’d come in from playing with two bloody stumps full of dirt and grass, track blood through the kitchen, let the dogs lick the wounds, and he never missed a beat. (Yes, I know dog slobber is not approved by the FDA, but it worked, and he’s never had an infection.)

So, back to his scooter mishap. He scooted himself down the street, removed the better part of his big toe, and proceeded to go into full swooning mode.

He laid himself out in the middle of the street, cried, writhed around as if he’d been shot, and he said, AND I QUOTE, “Oh, oh, I see a bright light…I see a bright light…help me Mama, I see a bright light, I think I’m going to Heaven.”

Well, bless his heart. I am not a “kissy the boo boo” kind of mom. I’m more from the old school- “if there’s no bone protruding- it’s fine” school of thought. So I told him to get up and go wash it off – you know- let the dog lick it or something.

He was absolutely beside himself that I had downplayed his imminent death and held a grudge for the better part of 2002.

Truthfully, I’ve just never really experienced anything that caused me to feel faint and become convinced that I needed to migrate toward the light of Heaven.

Until last night…

When an adolescent G decided that it was impeccable timing to tell one of the most off-color, crude, sexually explicit jokes I’ve EVER heard. At the dinner table… At my parents’ house… In front of the entire family.

I can’t go into the details of the joke; he heard it at school, and you can suffice it to say, that he did not have a full understanding of the joke he was telling.

I can tell you this- he started the joke, and immediately I knew it wasn’t going anywhere holy or righteous. But, my mouth wouldn’t move. I physically could not respond, my entire nervous system locked up.

As he delivered the punch line Coach literally went running out of the kitchen screaming “la la la la la” as he was holding his ears. When he reached the foyer and the punch line had been delivered, Coach fell to his knees and let out a sigh that can only be described as a death sigh.

I, on the other hand, remained motionless in my seat at ground zero. My mouth fell open and all I could do was sway and try not to go to the bad place.

I do believe the joke brought tears to my mother’s eyes and she did, in fact, let out a screech. My father leapt back in time to 1988 and fell naturally into his teeth gritting, fire shooting anger face that my brother and I knew so well.

G’s response? He said “What? Isn’t that funny?”

And there we were- three generations of family sitting serenely at the dinner table enjoying good food and good conversation until the bomb dropped, and I realized that the world outside had permeated my little world, and my boy had been jaded a bit without even realizing what had happened to him.

And suddenly, all I could think was …

“I see a bright light, I see a bright light. Help me Mama, I see a bright light”

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3 Comments on Fire-Breathing Boys

  1. faemom
    April 21, 2009 at 5:43 pm (9 years ago)

    LOL. I wouldn’t have known what to do because you just can’t cry, “I’m telling your mother” when you’re surrounded by family, not strangers. Hilarious.

    Reply
  2. Gigi
    April 21, 2009 at 6:48 pm (9 years ago)

    You know everyone will be dying of curiosity!! I just read this to Bobby and he may in fact give you a call to hear the joke himself, he is still sort of chuckling. Hope S&J are ok!!

    Reply
  3. parentingBYdummies
    April 24, 2009 at 12:22 pm (9 years ago)

    Hilarious! I always love it when the dudes inadvertently say/do something funny (maybe inappropriate). It’s always those moments that are the most memorable and worth retelling:)

    Reply

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