Clash of the Titans

When I was in middle school I fell in love with the movie, Clash of the Titans. I was fascinated with the power all the Greek goddesses had, and how they sought such creative revenge on the gods that crossed them summoning the Kraken and shooting thunderbolts from their hair. And all the while they managed to be beautiful and glittery. It also came on HBO 12 times every Saturday.

Sometimes I imagine that Coach and I are Titans. It’s just more fun that way.

They have remade the movie, and I feel compelled to see it, because I come from a long line of strong personalities. I’m pretty sure Coach does too. There’s a propensity there. Things can go south…fast.

Now understand, we rarely fight. And when we do fight it is usually over trivial things that really don’t matter anyway. He just has a need to be right sometimes and has a hard time accepting that I’m always right.

Anyway, when we do argue it’s loud. Never disrespectful, there’s no name calling or face making or cheap shots. We do fight above the belt, but it’s loud. Partly because Coach bellows naturally and partly because I hate when people won’t listen; so I just keep increasing the volume until they don’t have a choice.

But again, we don’t fight over anything of any consequence. For instance, we had a bit of a tiff today because he tried to compare the extreme strain of squatting (with weights) to child birth.

And I’m sorry, but one cannot compare voluntarily putting weight on one’s shoulders and then simulating sitting in a chair to say, squeezing a watermelon through a buttonhole.

It simply isn’t the same thing.

“But” he insists “there have been men who have prolapsed while squatting.”

If you don’t know what that means, let me explain it to you the way another coach and a student explained it to me…

“It’s when your butt explodes outward.” (Seriously, that’s what they said…with straight faces. They’ve never been more serious.)

All I can say is this – Don’t even get me started on all the things that prolapse and explode outward when you give birth. Your rear-end is the least of your problems.

Top that with an infant that is completely dependent on you for life, sleep deprivation, hair that falls out in handfuls, clothing that is covered with baby excretions, and a general sense of profound discombobulation, and I can assure you that there isn’t a weight lifting exercise in the land that can be compared to childbirth.

I know. I’ve squatted before. I’ve given birth. NOT THE SAME THING.

But occasionally, the arguments will take a more serious turn. And I’ll get upset because he loves the Dustbuster more than me, or because he clucks in his sleep, or he’ll get upset because I left the cabinet doors open and he cracked his head, or I moved one of his shoes so that it’s no longer perfectly parallel to its mate, and then the world gets knocked off its axis which gives Al Gore more fuel for his Global Warming theory…and you know- it just goes on from there.

So last week during an argument over M&M’s or whether or not Mack is getting too fat I made this statement…

“You just think I’m being moody and controlling.”

To which he was supposed to reply “No I don’t. I think you’re tired; it’s nothing a little jaunt to a Mexican All-Inclusive resort without children won’t fix. I’ll rob a bank and we’ll go next week.”

Instead he said “Yeah, you are being a little moody and controlling.”

It wasn’t his best move.

And in a moment of power and clarity, I remembered my love of the power mythical goddesses and simply bellowed…

“RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” And the wind roared and the sky darkened and monsters were released in a fury and all was about to be right with the world…

And then Coach shot thunderbolts from his eyes…

And then we sat down and watched CSI and lived happily ever after…

See y’all!

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2 Comments on Clash of the Titans

  1. Brittany Ann
    March 17, 2010 at 10:44 pm (8 years ago)

    If squatting with weights was like childbirth, every woman would have approximately 5 times more children then do. I know that, and I haven’t even had children yet. Men!

    Reply
  2. Leslie Ruth Petree
    March 18, 2010 at 7:47 am (8 years ago)

    Okay.

    A.) I have been wondering for the last three weeks if Liam Neeson was screaming, “Release the dragon!” or “Release the Kraken!” Lordamercy, I can now sleep at night.

    B.) I need to live closer to you and I mean that in the most non-stalkerish way possible. I think we should brainstorm about what kind of jobs Jason and I can score in Franklin.

    Reply

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