A Question for the Ages

What constitutes sport?

Now, I know I’m about to upset some people, and for that I’m truly sorry, yet I will proceed.

Figure Skating? Not a sport

Cheerleading? Not a sport

Boxing? Sort of a sport- only if someone gets knocked out though- if you win by “points” it’s not a sport.

Wrestling? Only if you win with a pin…otherwise, not a sport.

Hunting? Not a sport.

I know, I know Texas- I just sent you into a hissy fit, and I am sorry, but come on- a man with thumbs and a loaded weapon versus a docile animal with no thumbs, no weapon, and no knowledge of your presence?

Not a sport.

Deer aren’t exactly elusive creatures, nor are ducks. Matter of fact, at any given time you can find plenty of both in our yard.

If you want to make hunting a sport, either arm the deer or have men hunt each other, you know like “The Most Dangerous Game” – now that’s sport.

Paintball? Totally a sport. See above.

NASCAR? A sport.

Gymnastics? Not a sport.

Now, I’m not saying that the aforementioned activities don’t require physical skill and athleticism, I will totally agree with you there.

As a matter of fact, I can distinctly remember a day back in 2003 when I was trying to impress both Coach and a gaggle of 12 year old girls with my gymnastic skills by launching myself into a running round-off.

Who knew that momentum and gravity were going to, at that moment, join together in a tryst that God himself would not put asunder and send me straight into my first back handspring since 1986.

Well, I’ll say this – athleticism, though much needed, failed me, and what resulted was a middle aged woman being sprawled across a football field with what I was certain were two dislocated wrists, a rear-end hanging out of her shorts, and some deeply bruised pride.

Oh, and a standing ovation.

It was a proud moment.

But sport? Sport implies there is a worthy opponent. A worthy opponent that you simultaneously compete against, not just gravity. And at the end of the competition there is a visual victor with measurable results.

For instance, I ran faster than you, therefore I am the winner. See? Sport.

I knock you out cold, I am still conscious, again, I win. See? That’s sport.

But, if you and I fight, and neither of us is knocked out, but we’re both bloody, sweaty, and tired? Well, sweetheart, that’s The Bachelor…and not a sport.

Which is why I say that boxing and wrestling only qualify if there is a knock-out or pin, otherwise there is some subjective scoring method that deals with “points” that only a qualified judge can award.

And once you start making that the only criteria for sport we’ll have to start considering beauty pageants (or scholarship programs) sport.

Which will mean that women everywhere will start buying beer and attending Toddlers and Tiaras rallies at rodeos all over the country…

And then my friend, well then you’ve got a bad moon rising.

See y’all!

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